Far from Perfect

2013-01-13 15.42.52

Its irritating I’m talented I’m smart

My mind is constantly creating art

I’m on my game I’ve changed I’ve excelled

I’ve achieved a lot I’m far from the girl that used to rebel

But since high school the real world swallowed me whole

I’m financially fucked and emotionally drained in this world

The only thing I can look forward to in a day is writing pain

Spending hours just writing, it isn’t making money it’s just keeping me sane

Last year I thought I could just die and things would be better

But that didn’t happen and I’m forced to be a go getter

I wish I wasn’t so stubborn back then and took their advice

Back then I would laugh in their face and wouldn’t think twice

I can’t even go to school anymore because College Is too dam expensive

I want to fucking learn but instead I’m walking around pensive

When I was little I had fucking dreams, goals and aspirations that was I constantly uncovering

But what’s the point I fell in an addiction a depression and I’m just now recovering

That’s what happens when you call the wrong people buddies

I wish people could see who I really fucking am, who I’ve become better said

Back then I walked high as fuck with a cold face, dead

 I can’t even walk into a church without contemplating my wasted life

Or let alone how hard I was, letting my ego get me into fights

I don’t even remember my youth because my adolescence smoked the memory away

What I remember vividly was all those years wasted as Id pray

It’s easier to remember the rough times then to even smile at the good times

Once in a while id think what would be if I go back to that, just sometimes

Even worse when the good times are distant reminders of what once was and never again will be

I thought if I cleaned myself up my life would be better, I’d be a fresh me

But now that I see life clearly it reminds me of why I ended up there in the first place

This world is fucked up, mentality corrupted; my life’s is a disgrace

I missed opportunities, I burnt bridges and my eyes see flames before beauty

I’m trying to find the steal in my backbone, fucking success is my duty

I always promised myself I would be something I would be somebody

I don’t care what I have to do but that success I need to embody

19 thoughts on “Far from Perfect

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  1. Have you checked online for all the Federal grants and/or scholarships? There actually are a lot out there (or were when I last checked) but you might have to write an essay or something… the real world is way different from HS and in a lot of areas they do the kids a dis-service by telling them they’re so great and yet everyone does the same thing, they eliminate competition so when you get out in the real world you aren’t prepared… My sister went back to school in her mid 30’s in Medicine and the hospital gave her a loan if she promised to work there X amount of time after graduation. Just some thoughts, hope it helps. You seem like you can write well, so you might want to check into online classes also. I know lots of people who have done it that way, just make sure you choose a marketable/needed major or line of work. good luck and may God bless! 😀

  2. Stay the course and plug along one day at a time. Bad luck doesnt last forever. Life will b full of peaks and valleys; we just have to swim thru the valleys to arrive at the peaks. 🙂

  3. Great poem. It’s awesome that you release the pain through writing. Be proud of yourself and how you inspire perfect strangers like me. Years ago, my brother had a rough battle with cocaine, and our whole family was in the pit of his rock bottom with him. Healing takes time. But you’re doing great by writing down your thoughts and feelings. They’ll empower you. And when you have those negative thoughts that plague you, remember that their are not who you are, they’re only thoughts. The in no way define you. I think you’re amazing. 😉

  4. I know the feeling. The real world is not set up so readily for artists and writers. Always hang on to your artistic soul. Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t matter. This is your compass for life. I wish you the best of luck and grace in finding a way to include education and work into your soul in a meaningful way. Keep up your dreams!

  5. Harsh words…such dispare. I imagine many people feel this way….Its difficult to pull out of what feels like a gutter of waste. 🙂

  6. I’ve been through my personal hell. I can never accept that we live our lives to die instead of living to live (which is another topic).
    I think too much. I’m imperfect.
    I don’t like to talk about myself, I like to make people laugh.
    When I see so much pain or love or some beauty that transcends language in something a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t think twice about,
    I learn the lesson it teaches, being honest with the Dark lion that’s part of me that doesn’t want to be honest.
    I remember that the lion of Light is the one I nourish best- so it will ultimately win the perpetual battle for dominance:
    And then I remember that I have to LET GO.

    When the venom builds up inside throughout my work week, I stay focused and humble until I get the opportunity to get it out of me-
    Usually a little cannabis and hours of music and writing outside no matter the temperature.

    Sorry, I didn’t intend to write this much or talk so much about myself… but this post is one I can relate to you.

    Anyway, THANK you for checking out my blog, Black & White. I’m glad that you liked the poem ‘Masochist’.
    That masochist has been me in the past.

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