Oh the Irony…

I enter a room full of smoke and choke on intoxicated air. I walk in with my hand in his, forced and he shows me the backroom, I’m thrown on the floor as if I’m a pair of dirty socks. He tells me to wait and I sit there and I listen to my heartbeat as if it were a grandfather’s clock in a mansion with an echo that ran for miles. I get up in a daze, pure numbness run through my legs as I fear for the time I have, I must hurry. I stumble out the window of the 2nd floor building smacked in the middle of the worst neighborhood in queens. I jump to a fire escape and make a quick escape as if James Bond running after the villain. Running in heels feels like I’m on stilts in mud. Screaming, all I hear is screaming screams of agony and pain. It was the sounds of young innocent lives being tortured as if the innocence was being sucked out of their souls. Everything is a daze and the world is spinning faster than it’s supposed to. I’m down or at least I think I am, I’m not sure I can’t feel  my legs, it’s as if I’m a paraplegic  without my wheelchair. The night was dark and then it got darker till it was pitch black and then I decided to open my eyes and realize I’m back in the room, I never moved. I’m too scared, my legs quiver and my hands shake faster than a woman with Parkinson’s. My breath is getting heavier and my eyes heavier and my life heavier.

He walks back in not even a glance my way. I’m launched onto the bed by a backhand and a needle to penetrate my pale skin. I attempt to fight it, no I don’t I need it I feel it flow through my veins like it’s a part of my blood; well I guess it is now. It’s hot, really hot, I sweat through the sheets but I’m not sure if it’s just because of the temperature or the activities forced upon me. He leaves I see the light but not that special one that everyone thinks I’m trying to achieve; I see a ball of fire and its rays that beam through the newspapers that cover the cracked windows.  I try to stand its hard I once was a healthy weight now I practically float. Every moment is slow and useless for the life I lived is useless. I walk through the halls and pray I don’t fall through the floor. I’m lost as if I haven’t been here time and time before. I glance everywhere like a tourist in Times Square. I open a random door, and it was a mirror, practically, a young innocent face with a tortured body and eyes that burn from what it has witnessed.

It was like an epiphany maybe if I’m brave enough to leave I can achieve to be better. I’m walking I get closer to the door and I’m almost there, my hand reaches out for the handle; I blink and still laying down watching the rays beam. I’m stronger now I know I am I’m stronger now at least I think I am. I stand and run slowly more like a power walk. I make it down the stairs and to the door. I’m not alone he grabs me, lifts me and sits me down at the table with 7 other women or maybe they were girls it’s hard to tell now. At least he feeds me, what would I do without him? Where would I go? I’m better off staying here I have unlimited resources- to what poisons me

The day passes by and I’m sitting by the window staring at the freedom while he injects me again and he fills my lungs with smoke that makes my mind feel good or great maybe even amazing. Life before wasn’t this good, it was pure anger and fighting and yelling in a home were family should have mattered. Many say that the girls in this house hated their dads but I didn’t I loved mine and he always gave me the best advice but I never really listened. I found myself here for that and I suppose at this point I regret not paying attention.

Half numb I get up and I start to walk then power walk and he yells after me like I’m some sort of dog and I open the door and I’m happier than a child on Christmas, I did it, I made it I’m almost gone, my life has begun. I run to the other side of the street and one thing daddy always told me was look both ways before you cross.

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