This Isn’t Luck

Luck is finding a penny heads up, or even a twenty tucked in the grass

I don’t expect you to understand with your head up your ass

But don’t disrespect my success by labeling it luck

The lazy don’t understand hard work, in the clouds forever stuck

You couldn’t fathom the long nights and even longer days

To be on your last ten for the week, feeling like nothing but the money fades

Despair crashing with optimism, under the umbrella of a realist

But like I said I wouldn’t expect you to understand any of this

Demeaning me however is not an option

I don’t care for your opinion, proceed with caution

The greatest gift life will give you is the struggle

From this you either pity yourself or hustle

Everyone has an opinion, but calling it luck

Is disrespectful as fuck

 

Happy Easter

Dressed in my Sunday best

My sins need to be addressed

Its been a long time since I confessed

Its Easter Sunday too late to digress

Sun is shining I’m alive I’m blessed

Girls in cute dresses, Boys in their fancy vests

On a day like today everyone is religiously obsessed

Church is crowded, I’m not entirely impressed

 

 

 

 

I Miss Everything

I miss those days
When you would caress my face
Hold me tight
Keep me safe

I miss the countless years
That got away from us

I miss the innocence of that first time
I miss the ignorance and all its bliss

I miss the butterflies
The long nights
The goosebumps

I miss that once familiar face
That once pure love
That once upon a time youth

I miss what made us, us

I miss that feeling of being high at 17
I miss being high with you at 17

I miss that feeling of wanting to conquer the world together
I miss that feeling of winning with you
I miss that feeling of wanting you
I miss all my feelings

Adeline

I didn’t love you at first sight I won’t lie

When they handed you to me all I could do was cry

And it wasn’t tears of joy, it was tears derived of fear

I want to be sincere about your grand premiere

 

I can’t tell you what exactly went through my mind but

The memories of those first months I could never leave behind

It might have a taken us a while to get to know each other

And even more time to come to the realization I was your mother

Now I stare at your photos to get through my day

When I step out I no longer think the same way

This life is no longer mine, it’s yours to forever hold

Every piece of my treasure is forever your gold

All I pray is that in return you care for me as I get old

Your arrival was my sign

To leave behind a life confined

My first addition to the bloodline

My sweet Adeline

My Grandmother

Ill never regret anything more than this
All I have now are memories to reminisce

Every single moment I thought I would get
Ripped from under me, my biggest regret

I refuse to let that be my last memory
Fuck face doctors with your life trajectory

Too many times I wanted to send something
Too many times I wanted to say something

Yet it was all work, my biggest excuse
As if you hadn’t watched me blossom from the root
As if you didn’t deserve a simple phone call
As if you weren’t above it all

I regret everything

I regret leaving that day

No worries because I was SO sure you would be back home
Recording Hallmark movies, with Molly by your side, on your throne

To think Christmas was the last time Id hear your voice
To think we never discussed my growing bundle of joy

Ive broken down too many times looking at my daughter
To think she would never be able to
meet her great grandmother.

I regret it all

2 Years

Its been a while, I must say its always bittersweet to come back here. I could never close down this site altogether. Im able to go all the way back to 2012 and relive my feelings and emotions during rough patches. I can remember every trigger that caused me to write. Rereading the past is so theraputic, and equally frustrating since im contantly editing my mistakes.

Its been two long years since ive written anything. I went back through old notes to see why? when did it stop? Well alot happened but it started with the other woman.

The first time it happened my mom had offered me a piece of advise.

“You could either leave and start all over again or look passed it and settle with what you’ve already built, like so many women before you, you will never be the only one”

In the midst of it all, I found out I was pregnant. Pregnancy definetly shifted my thinking as I started to nest. Needless to say I stood strong. The third time was a final straw for me; it wasnt numerous women it was this one woman who knew well of me yet was fed lies- now I could sit here and blame it all on her and say mean things about her- but at the end of the day she never owed me shit. He did, he was suppose to stay loyal.

Im a very realistic person, we are young and still learning. No matter how odd it sounds but I was waiting on it, waiting on his fuck up. Then BAM it happened and ripped me to pieces and so much occured so fast it seemed like the world was spinning at a rapid pace.

Its been rough and long but im not embaressed to tell my story because so many women relate to me, its actually quite daunting that so many women hide in the shadows of denial. Its unhealthy, I learned that the hard way. Lets talk about it. Lets talk about personal fuck ups- cause I aint no angel either.  Regardless, I cant allow this bump in the road to deter me from something I was meant to do, something that calms me, something that for so long has made me, well me.

Intuition

I had to play that lost her mind crazy bitch

And for months all I got was a wild pitch

But there’s something about a woman’s intuition

That doesn’t allow bullshit lies into fruition

Even when the lies turned sour in your mouth

You didn’t have the courage to settle it out

It’s like a bad dream that replays itself

Trapped perfectly to inconvenience myself

Instability

I’ve given up several times before
I reached a patch of emptiness like a complete bore
I can’t tell you how I feel bc im not in tune anymore
I don’t know what I want anymore
When I was younger I had a clear idea of life as I got older
I should have figured if my past was an indicator
That being an adult meant a big crater
My shoulders have grown weak from the weight.
People play too much I must be bait
Instability, a word I’ve heard all too much lately
A word that in all reality made me